On Self Worth & Self Undoing
Buh Bye Mars and Mercury!
“Lord, help me to accept my tools. However dull they are, help me to accept them. And, then, Lord, after I have accepted my tools, then help me to set out and do what I can with my tools.”
Please note that for this post, I decided to forego the help of ChatGPT or Gemini to clean or tighten up or make this more SEO sticky. I’m going commando here and not even editing — Mercury is retrograde after all and in Leo. If it’s rambling, not sound-bitable or too much this or that, you can blame my humanness 100%
The Rational Bit
So, when I turned 49 last August, I had an inkling that it “might” be a challenging year considering I was going into a 2nd House (my money, food, values, early conditioning around being nourished, what is needed to move through the world with ease) year.
Not only is my 2nd House overlaid by the sign Scorpio, it contains the North Node (aka Rahu) — that shiny unlived “experience” that my soul had craved and was obsessed enough with to come back into a human body for to try to finally have. Okay, that’s already pretty much a level 10 challenge considering that the shadow planet represented by a head that can never find satisfaction because it isn’t connected to its body is in literally the house of money and food … no, my soul when it purchased the “vacation package” described by the birth chart I came into this world with decided then it wanted that Mars ruling the 2nd House to be in the complete opposite house on top of the South Node (aka Ketu) on the star Algol (aka the binary star associated with Medusa). Ketu “disappears” or more accurately “discharges” things by making them inaccessible unless you release the certainty of everything you know about the sign that its in and the way that any planets it touches works. Literally, money, food, what’s needed for ease gone in a black hole in the sign (Taurus) of money, food, and what’s needed for ease. Bonus challenge for my 49th year? Mars is also the lord of my 7th house, making it what’s called a “maraka” planet in jyotish techniques — the death dealer.
But wait! When I do an annual analysis, I also look at the house and planet activated from the chart’s sect light — because that shows you how will instinctively cope and deal with the external events catalyzed by the Lord of the Year from the ascendant (bear with me those of you who don’t care of these technicalities). It shows you who is the actor that’s being transformed is and how that transformation will empower you to shine that piece of the divine you came here to share.
Oh, Mercury … the Princeling … not only Mars’ enemy because of all his questions, FOMO, sense of humor, apparent lack of gravitas and wisdom by the natural scheme of planetary friendships and enmities (btw, Mercury is neutral to Mars — he’s that crazy incel who runs the army but who can be fascinating every once a once) but also to my delight (not) in an exact square to my natal Mars/Ketu, Lord of my activated 12th (of self undoing, sleep, hidden enemies, inspiration, connection with the divine) and secondarily 9th (of belief, ethics, gurus, mentors, places of pilgrimage, expertise, wisdom) AND this kid is on Regulus (the Kingmaker), the place of the throne.
You cannot make this shit up … but optimistic Leo me! I took a look at my solar return chart and was like — I mean, how bad can it be? The chart lord is that strong domiciled Leo Sun in the First House, the Moon is in its natal sign in the house of its joy applying to the Part of Fortune … okay, fine … Mars is busted AF in Gemini (the domain of his enemy Mercury) BUT look! He’s there with his buddy Jupiter — Jupiter makes things better (but okay he’s busted AF too) … yet, it might be okay, they’re reporting to an exalted Mercury in the second house (let’s just pretend he isn’t retrograde — because look he’s with his BFF Venus — who’s also busted AF) … oh, and that pesky South Node is right on top of my natal Moon/Pluto conjunction almost exactly. <le sigh> Look! It’s gonna be okay — Jupiter, even though he’s banged up, sees the Sun. GIRL. Girl. The copium.
This is what I do when I look at your charts before an annual:
What’s getting worked on?
What planet needs the most attention in your external life? What part of your external life needs to be experienced fully — the best of it and the worst?
What planet is the one that’s evolving — that’s learning to be better at enabling you to live in that liminal space between your corporeal existence and your divine being?
How are they playing the game for the year? What does this mean for the lens through which you should shift your point of view to burn through your ingrained patterns that keep you stuck (aka samskaras) in an identity or way of moving through your human vacation that you know isn’t you anymore?
Sometimes you get a year with teachers who like to teach you through “easy” lessons. Usually these come from your sect team: If you were born during the day, this is the Sun, Jupiter, and Saturn, and, if you were born at night, this is the Moon, Venus, and Mars. (Whether or not Mercury plays nicely depends — like a princeling on who he’s associating with and where he falls in relation to the Sun — and I will not bore you with how to figure that out.) Easy lessons can also be during years when the planets activated are friends to your chart lord (the planet that rules your rising sign) or planets that are more or less what we’d call secure in their identity and who play nicely in your chart.
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Other years, you get knocked around — you learn by getting shown how much grit you can summon to get back up one more time than you’ve been knocked down to win. These are the years when members of the opposite team to your sect team take control of the house. Even if they aren’t having an identity crisis in your chart (aka in a sign and house they function well in), you aren’t going to “like” what they’re serving — it’s like having a trainer who you know has your best interests at heart but still rubs you the wrong way when they tell you you can do one more rep — it’s just something about the way they say it.
In the best possible scenario if you don’t get an easy year, you get a year where the planet activated from Sect Light is stronger than the planet activated from your ascendant — because that’ll show no matter what, you know you’ve got this.
The Irrational Bit (a cleaned up peek at my journal on this)
Here I am on the other side of this 49th year profection and chomping at the bit for my next profection to start — and what can I say? It’s been as the astrology promised a mixed bag year.
As I write this, I’m doing my best to accept with grace my current reality right and that I’m doing the best with what I’ve got. I don’t know what I don’t know.
Externally, grappling with my relationship to and handling of MY money, resourcing, food availability, what I need for ease and to go through life like a human being and not an a being driven solely by the instinct to do what it takes to live, and how my childhood conditioning around these things is very much top of mind.
As a child, the lessons around these things my parents taught me can best be summed up by saying: You are a burden we’re stuck with, and we’re going to invest the minimum amount in you that we have to. In exchange for this begrudgingly made investment for the bare necessities, you better work hard at things we think are important regardless of whether or not they’re the things you’re actually gifted at and help you develop as a person and contribute to society — and you better make us look good in the process. Otherwise, you will be treated less than and made acutely aware that you’re draining us of resources that we’d rather spend on ourselves.
However, internally, Mercury remains undaunted — despite being the untested princeling sitting on a throne that he doesn’t quite fill and being put through a yearlong bootcamp from hell. Why? Mercury is actually rather strong in my chart, and there’s a hidden trick to the 12th House: It’s where you connect to universe, to the divine, to inspiration, to your real wealth and power — to your forgotten self. Seneca wrote “The sharpened sword must meet the stone.”
Out of the turmoil of dealing with real life, real time consequences of not having money, food, and feeling invisible in the market place — of literally doing what Mars conjunction Ketu in the 8th house does is best at — fighting for my life, what Mercury wound up doing is writing — floods of inspiration that have come with such ease (even without the help of ChatGPT or Gemini) … all of this amplified by Mars’ retrograde cycle this year (yup — don’t tell me that souls don’t pick this timing) the tangled danse macabre these two have been locked in in the last 8 weeks: Mars in Virgo in my activated 12th house hurtling itself towards the transiting South Node — yes, trining my natal Mars/Ketu but that just like the two of them agreeing to pin me to the ground. LOL … then Mercury went retrograde in a sign that doesn’t even see Virgo. It was like having my entire 2nd and 7th house disappear while Mercury remembered who he was.
Honestly, I stand before you with no answers — unable to wrap my head around what my blockage with Mars is — despite a year of non-stop dealing with him.
It seemed like my maddening relationship with the 2nd was because Rahu is eternally hungry (and, yes, I’m invariably always hungry even when there is food in the house — I eat like a linebacker). So I worked on clearing my life of desires: You won’t see anymore gorgeous homes, beautiful clothes, fast cars, private jets, caviar and champagne on my vision boards — no more longing and manifesting for the comfortable material security of Taurus. If taming Rahu means living like a Scorpionic ascetic, great. Accomplished. I live with an extremely minimal set up — mattress on the floor, a splurge on a desk to work at, a television given to me by my dear friends who took me in when we were really homeless (the first TV I’ve had since 2003), the pups crates, enough clothes and shoes to fit in two suitcases, a sautée pan and a sauce pan and a knife — and a 3 step beauty routine.
Do I miss luxury? Yes. But I thought, okay, the problem with Ketu in Taurus that holds Rahu in Scorpio back is not being to act if things aren’t comfortable and luxurious. The truth is that I ache for luxury — I miss being able to have a full on 5-senses love making session with my food, but it seems forever out of my reach.
Okay, this hasn’t worked. Then, okay, lean on Mars and Ketu in the 8th house — invest my energy in stabilizing and growing other people’s resources — be a port in the storm for whoever darkens my door … and that unleashed a Pandora’s box of legacy issues that meant getting back on the bus of disappearing myself in exchange for a moderately comfortable lifestyle — working with people who would completely require I become a holder for their dysfunction — and heaven help me if I have a boundary, expectations, or ask for accountability.
This year I did my utmost to silence the parts of me that screamed at the unfairness of having my creative output valued less than the meagre monetary investment in them. I told myself to stop being such a Rahu — stop being such a Venus in Virgo. Accept what you’re given, accept people where they’re at, because it’s on you to produce the rest of the magic. I kept telling myself to accept my tools no matter how dull they are and do what I could with them. But, apparently, that was not the assignment either! Because when I did start holding firm with my boundaries, asking for accountability, the project imploded, and now I’m sat here with principles and no way to feed myself and the pups and keep a roof over our heads — still no access to Mars. And literally reliving the dysfunction of my childhood — and you’d think an almost 50 year old woman, who has done a lot of therapy and work might’ve gotten this sorted.
August books are open!
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Hey, Mars? What were you trying to teach me about my value, values, and sustenance and secondarily about partnerships, balance, and dealing with the market place (as my lord of the 7th)?
All I’m walking away with is the desire for sustenance from aligned partnerships — whether that’s creative co-creators or clients — that respect the actual value of my contribution and trust that I’m investing my 110% in their success, that my purpose in life is to birth beauty, connection, joy into this world as a creative leader, joy doula, and success catalyst — but, right now, this system we live in is still an extractive one — what it shows a lot of us is that we’re like the humans in The Matrix, kept alive to feed a machine, kept alive but suppressed. This isn’t ego death … it’s just death — which, I mean, makes sense since Mars is my maraka planet (aka the “death causing” planet in jyotish techniques — the lord of second and the seventh houses) — when you work from a place of existential threat, having to do mental gymnastics and moral calculus to justify all sorts of things just to earn what you need to live, constantly having to earn a place — that isn’t life. You can’t give rise to a system that’s sustainable, nourishing, human from energetic investment that doesn’t come from bringing your best and most alive self to the table.
I’m not as smart as the Universe seems to think that I am … I cannot solve this puzzle and need to just call it and take teacher’s big red X.
The Light at the End of the Tunnel
Five more days of this — and I don’t expect Mars to go gently into the night. As one of my jyotish teachers says, there are times when you need to take the hard knocks — you don’t know what you did in a previous lifetime to deserve them.
However, it’s almost Jupiter and Venus time! Last time these two were together piloting the ship was one of the hardest (in a good way), rewarding, life expanding, creative years of my life — and Jupiter and Venus weren’t even that great in that Solar Return chart … and fodder for another post on how to analyze the upcoming year — so that you can start to see how the thread weaves through the story.
A year of understanding one’s value, worth, ease as the stepping stone for a year about desire, courage, fear, camaraderie, and living those values in real time and using those resources to build the community you want to be part of.
T-5 Days to GO TIME!
KEY TAKEAWAY
Before even looking at your incoming year, it’s important to fully process the outgoing year. Profections are rarely neat and tidy — what would be the fun in that? You don’t always learn or resolve the task set before you and often the only way to do so is to engage with the quest of the subsequent year.
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Lots of light,
Anak.
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